[un]Welcome Winter Wonderland

I left my dorm to go to breakfast yesterday morning and almost turned around and went back to bed because there was ice. Everywhere.

-But then I remembered there were Crunch Berries at the caf. And since that's my third favorite breakfast, and they don't serve my top two here, I kind of had to go. Very slowly.

Good news: I am still alive.

Not so good: I fell flat on my butt on the way back. Which doesn't completely make sense 'cause I fell forward...?

Little Disappointments

Well- I'm supposed to be studying for my psych. test tomorrow. But I am really just having a lot of trouble focusing. I have so much to do- and I keep trying to do it all at once- that I am really doing nothing in the end. I've had a rough past two weeks. And I can tell. I mostly have noticed how the stress affects my swimming. Normally swimming relaxes me in a way nothing else does. Except for reading, I guess. It's stressful, but it's a good stress. After this weekend though, I am just trying to focus on one thing at a time.

 My asthma has been kicking my butt now that it's getting colder, and that is part of the stress, especially for my breaststroke race. It always gives me mind prep. trouble on this race. Because I go out and don't breathe for a hundred. And I know that. I know it's going to happen. And it's not a big deal, it's just that I have to get myself ready for it, that's all. So when I am all prepped for my race and my coach puts all this pressure on me five minutes before I go to the start, I have to start over. And the trouble is that he doesn't even know the right way to pressure me. Maybe if he paid any attention whatsoever to me in practice he would. But he doesn't.

So I went out and swam. And I won. And we still didn't win the meet. How about that? Because it shouldn't all come down to me. It kind of is a team thing. And it really bothered me that my coach didn't say anything to me after the race. Even a little 'nice swim' would have been welcome.

So why am I complaining? I won the race; I didn't lose the meet for everybody. 

---Because he did the same thing to me at the meet we had the next day. We were swimming against two other teams- one of which is becoming a very strong program and has a stacked roster. (I know, I know... I shouldn't let that defeat me...but it didn't. I went out and swam as hard as I could.) But this time, it didn't work. I don't think it's being too non-believing in myself to say that I couldn't have beat the girl who swam three seconds faster than my all-time pr. Maybe it is. I don't know. But, considering I am still trying to make it to my pr...

Anyway, I didn't win, and- not going to lie- I was upset. None of my teammates were mad or anything, because they rock, but when someone sets expectations for you- no matter how unrealistic- and you don't meet those expectations, it is terrible. 

I just realized that there's a lot of negativity here. Don't get me wrong, I love everything about swimming (that's a lie, but really, who 'loves' any sport they do?). I think that my real problem here is just that my coach doesn't feel it's necessary to find out how I tick when it comes to swimming. The fact that he does nothing- practice after practice. I guess I should be more adaptable. But even there, I think I have a limit. During high school, I had a different coach every season on a small school team that got no support from anyone. Since each new coach focused on building the team, I didn't really develop as a swimmer (that sounds incredibly selfish...). So my point here is that I've always been my own motivator. I've been the one to pressure myself. I suppose it would be wise to make some concessions and learn how to adapt a little to letting outside forces influence me. That's feasible. Not easy, but really, nothing is.

Gross Specificity

So I had my day all planned out- I was going to go to practice from 9-11, get lunch and study from 11-2, go to practice from 2-4, study, go to our team dinner, and study. ...That was the plan...instead I went to practice, slept, practiced, ate at the team dinner, and played DDR with my roomies. I Did begin outlining ahead for my Bio. class...kudos for that, I suppose, but I didn't practice piano or read the book for my philosophy class...

okay! i decided that was enough of the complaining! It's pretty much my own fault. I accept it! Moving on!

I love fall! It was a little bit chillier (is that a word?) today, but the sky was clear and the leaves were all those gorgeous colors that they turn when they DIE and fall-fall-fall to the ground. I was sorry that we had two swim practices today, because I was unable to spend any time outside, though the ground was a little soggy due to the misty rain we had yesterday. But even that was lovely. 

There is something so soothing about water droplets-large or small-dripping from the smokey grey heavens. It made me turn my face up to the clouds and smile a little. I opened my mouth and I could taste it- dinosaur pee from a million billion years ago! 

~sorry...i just ate a cookie and was looking at my e-mail and discovered that someone favorited one of my stories that I've posted! And now I'm completely unable to be serious. Anyway, who wants to be that? It's so boring, so blah! so...mundane. Far better indeed to be interesting and have the world call you crazy than to be serious and live a lonely life.

I guess it does take a little of each to live a balanced life. The middle path to nirvana, Siddhartha Guatama and all that. 

Anyway, I just stabbed myself in the eye cause I was trying to remove contacts and type simultaniously. So I best be off to bed now, cause who knows what'll happen next...

Wish Me luck

Why is everything always so difficult? I guess I'm lucky- my complications are simple enough compared to others' troubles- but still!

I went home over the weekend. I was thinking it would be a little strange- after all it is the first time I've spent any length of time there since moving to school. But it was nice. I had some good talks with my parents and my little brothers. I spent the morning making a ridiculous number of chocolate chip cookies and brought back delicious homemade leftovers from dinner. Sleeping in my own bed was divine- I felt as if I would never be able to remove myself from it- and then I caught the aroma of cinnamon rolls and fresh bread (Not really- I was just hungry, and I had to go to the bathroom...).

I love being on break. So far I haven't done much, but tomorrow I'm going to study a bit. Try and get ahead, same old. But tonight is still mine. And I am going to spend it exactly as I want. And what I want is to grab my comforter, a book, my journal and my iPod. After I grab them, I'm going to settle down on our couch and read. I feel like writing too. And maybe I'll draw a little, I have some ideas for projects- I hope they work out. I just want to be comfortable tonight before my agenda tomorrow.

Killer Magnetism of the Psyche

My brain is active, and everyone is asleep, so there is no one to talk to...not that that's ever stopped me before...

O, the complications of life...And I'm just...indecisive? apathetic? It's just too early to think about this, especially since it isn't really my style. If I even have a 'style' when it comes to life. I mean, I'm just me, right?

And who am I? That, dear reader, is the question of the hour. Simply put, I am. But there is so much more than that- for to be, one must do...something. It is not enough to exist; one must exist Dynamically. Thoughts are well enough, but unless the internal is executed in a physical manner, change cannot occur. And change is the goal of life. Change itself is not so easily identified, I suppose. 

Today I walked outside, and the sun was suspended like a luminous orb in the aqua sky. I breathed in the crisp fall air and raised my eyes to look up through the trees above, that I could revel in the glory of autumn. Being outside, in a day that epitomized all I can imagine of visual pleasure, calmed me in a way that few things do.

-It's interesting-I claim to enjoy 'simplicity,' and yet, I fail, because the complexities of my life take hold of my thoughts and actions and divert me from that which truly satisfies me.-

Creating Titles: A Recipe

Well, this is my first post...and that being the case, my natural inclination is to experiment. So, I did some research-- by looking at the first post of another blogger...they [we] are called bloggers, right? And now I'm stuck...

But I don't really feel like that right now. Maybe I should start at the beginning. Not the complete beginning--just the general overview. I was born in the same city that I go to college in, and that I've lived in my whole life. In retrospect, I have discovered that I was an obnoxious child. Due to certain experiences through elementary and middle school, I became more quiet and imaginative. I now [on occasion] think before I speak, and I have learned that life is supposed to be fun. 

On my terms, fun is directly related to friends, music, laughter, reading and writing. I love activity insofar as there is not a ball or other injury-inflicting piece of sports equipment involved. Except Ultimate Frisbee. I rock at that. So, I swim and run. I sleep. And I eat. I talk far too much for my own good. Which means rambling...which is what I'm doing now.